Today would have been Ryan's 26th birthday. Funny when people, I think especially children, pass away to soon we are left with the feeling, or responsibility, to "celebrate" anniversaries. Ryan took his own life on September 23, 2017, which was beyong heartbreaking and sad, but he was born on August 18, 1996, which was a day filled with happiness and joy. While you can't help but remember the day people pass away, it's probably better and healthier to remember other days in their lives.
While it would be easy to just gloat on how much joy and pride Ryan, and all of my children, bring into my life, there is also a self reflection that occurs, or at least ocurs for me, when one of your children passes away. You see parenthood is a bitter edged sword. It is a gift and a huge responsibility that we choose to take. You take the good with the bad, the highs and lows, and the victories and defeats.
I can only speak for myself that when you lose a child, however it happens, there is a feeling of guilt and failure that lives with you. As parents we are supposed to nurture and protect them from the outside world, and even from themselves. And while accidents do happen, I am sure those parents ask themselves over and over if they could have done anything different.
So Ryan would be 26 today. A good age. He would have graduated college, most likely been done with a post-graduate degree, and either working on a doctorate level degree or working some kind of beyond smart career. He was just wired like that. And hopefully by now he would have moved away from the nest, probably to one of the hubs of science and technology somehwere in the United States. And I can only hope that he had found love and was in a loving relationship. Recently, three kids, well adults now, from his posse got engaged, which made me happy for them, but sad for myself that that wouldn't be something I would celebrate with him, along with all of the other milestones that most of us hit in our adult lives.
It's funny about parenting. I think those first 10 years are the best. In most cases, you're young, you feel young, the marriage (well first) is what you think is going strong, you're in the best years of your professionl life, you're making good money, you've bought your house, and your friend group is liked-aged and like minded. The family trips are good, watching kids sports is fun, and you feel like you're doing it all right.
Then life happens. In my case, my marriage took a turn that I didn't see coming, and that changed my family, myself, and my relationships forever. But life happens. The life of divorce, well, sucks, well, maybe it just becomes more complicated and confusing. As a parent you try and lessen the damage and confusion, but in the end you most likley just add to it as you try and think you are doing it all right.
While you are never done being a parent, and mine are alive, and I am 54, children should remember that. One of the biggest fears parents have is that they will wind up being a burden on their children. We work our lives to reduce that chance, but that doesn't always happen, and in the end sometimes its just a mess. But in the meantime children, I feel, do have a responcibility to their parents, even after they've moved out, or not, and started their adult lives. And for me, that comes down to time, quality time spent with family and more importantly their parents.
Today we are more connected than ever, but also more distant. I can never imagine that one day a text for Happy Father's or Mother's Day would be acceptable. Or not seeing or visiting family for weeks, months, or with the ever convienent pandemic excuse, a year, or years? Time, and good times together, are the only things that make lasting memories that heal wounds and strenthen the bonds in relationships.
When Ryan passed he was a junior at Rowan. He was college kid, doing collge kid things. Parents and family weren't a priority, because he was building and focusing on self. But, outside of a family vacation, which he missed in 2017, and the required holiday gatherings, during those years there's not much to chreish or remember. Maybe children think they'll get around to it when they settle down. Well, that day doesn't always come. Shit and life happens.
So today on his birthday what do I feel? Sad. Sad of what could have been for him, and more specifically for us. I as a parent need my children. And need is a tough word, because it can mean dependence, which is not the intention. What parents need, or what I need, is to know, as the band The Who put it, "The Kids are Alright". Children as they grow into adults and prosper can really validate a parents life plan and thier actions and choices in life. If those relationships are strained, distant, broken, or non-existent, it really can leave you feeling less, and even depressed.
Selfishly, I kind of feel that with Ryan. He took something from me that I needed, and really wanted. He was my first, so my oldest, and he would have been the first adult child from the clan. I am sure family and friends feel that same way too, sad and, well, disappointed, angry?
So this morning as Theresa and I looked at the tribute slide show that was played at Ryan's wake I saw the many, many happy times that he, and I, and others shared. It makes me feel good, and, makes me feel sad, but also empty and unfinished. I guess in the end it just comes down to that I miss my son dearly.
Happy 26th Ryan, RIP my boy