09.23.26 This will be the last year for this, and hot, but not hard work...

 

     It's one of my favorite all time photos of Ryan. That's him above playing the guitar, while alone, on a dock on Lower Saranac Lake, New York, back in 2009. With today being the 9th anniversary of his death I'm going to end this practice of throwing it out there like I have done for years. Nothing on Facebook, nothing here, I'm done. 

     People react and grieve death in a variety of ways. As I learned in school there's no right or wrong way to grieve. There's no rules and no playbooks. It's very individual and in the end it's all alright. That is, until, the surviving people have maladaptive thoughts or behaviors due to the death or trauma, and that's where help from the outside comes in. 

    We celebrate anniversaries for many reasons, and the good ones are many. Birthdays, weddings, and big-life milestones are things we choose to remember and cherish. And then on the flip side there's those events, usually traumas, that have a date etched into our amygdala, the part of our brains that "store" trauma, that come and bring with it the associated pains out. It's kind of like picking open a scab when a wound is partially healed. 

     And those flip side things include deaths, injures, divorce, natural, and man made disasters. Just a week or so ago we remembered twenty five years post 9/11. On those anniversary dates we say things like, "Never Forget", although deep in our minds and hearts we would rather, one, that it never to have happened, and two, to have to relive the events of that day. In my case, finding Ryan deceased in my basement is something, one, a parent shouldn't have to experience, and two, something I am not going to "anniversary" moving forward. 

     I will always remember September 23rd, 2017, and the days and weeks after his death. I can't erase it and can't control or change how his parents, family, and friends choose to remember this date. For forever, parents have stated they couldn't imagine losing a child, and wouldn't be able survive if they did, but, I can say through experience, you can and you will, if you let yourself. So I am letting myself remember Ryan going forward and will pay extra attention to dates in his life like the day he was born, August 18th, 1996. I'll "Never Forget" September 23rd, but why put any effort into dragging the pain out of my brain, when there's so many other things to celebrate during his short 21 year long life lived. 

     He would have been 30 this year, and I, and the rest of his gang, have missed all of the big things that happen, some which become good anniversaries, between the ages of 21 - 30. You can't remember what didn't happen but I can say the what if's do play on my mind and heart. The best I can do is remember and be the best I can be for his siblings, and make sure I don't miss out on their big life events. Life is short and we only have one shot at it so being my best can be a way to remember Ryan moving forward. 

      And then back to The Fly Barn. I started out solo before I was joined by Theresa who showed up at just the right time. I was swore to not take any photos of her in her work outfit and to not jeopardize the help again I honored it. And to boot my iPhone died and I didn't have a charger so she was safe. But with that I wasn't able to capture all what we got done. 

     With Theres's help I was able to level out that big gate that is part of the fence. I was also able to move the mid-rail on a long run and secure the boards before I cut them down in height.

     The morning started out hot and humid before the rains came and deluged the area like it does everyday. With the alterations the outside of the fence looks good while the inside shows the places where the wood wasn't exposed to the elements, which leaves it different shades of wood. 

     I think I'll just lightly sand the brighter areas down a bit to feather them in hoping the sun will blend them all in after some time. Everything is level, for the most part, and I think in the end the change in elevations will look just fine. 

     Right before the rain we moved to repair and replace the walls that front the barn. I had a visit from the Town's zoning officer who thanked me for a job well done. I told him my plans moving forward and he said he would have to check if I need to pull a permit to re-side the house, or out building, or shed, whatever it is. By days end I had it one of the front sections reframed and the Hardie trim and sheet installed. But with no iPhone progress pics will have to wait. 

     After I got home and cleaned up we headed to Georgia to look for some pillows for the couch and to hit Lowe's. While my dumpster diving in Florida saved me some money I had to pick up some new Hardie trim at full price, and it ain't cheap. Today I'm going to drive around the section of Sun City that's still under construction to see if there's a dumpster I can dive in. I'm sure security here wouldn't approve. 

      And at 930 the hunger pangs started to rumble in my stomach. It was pancakes I wanted and, like New Jersey these days, there's no 24-hour diners around. But there are Waffle Houses, located at just about every exit on 95. So we hit one and I sat down and looked to order some flapjacks. "This is the Waffle House, we have waffles, no pancakes". So a half a waffle it was.

     Lukes been eating and drinking out of a dish and a to-go lid since we haven't been able to find his dog bowl. Well while walking around the store, At Home, we found the perfect one. It even had the marble top to go with it which matches the kitchen perfectly. It was $29, which killed me to have to pay, but we got 25% off since we joined the store's online something or other. Now Luke is kinda metal. Partly because he is a rescue, and partly because he lives with both of us, who are mental as well. He likes routine, and without change. Well we have blown his shit up a lot this year, with more to come. So when I put it down and put some water and a couple of Scooby snacks inside the above was his response. 

It's a dog bowl Luke, just relax. Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff.